The Precious "NO"

“To keep my mouth shut. To turn away my face. To walk back down the aisle. To slap the bishop back when he slapped me during Confirmation. To hold the word no in my mouth like a gold coin, something valued, something possible. To teach the no to our daughters. To value their no more than their compliant yes. To celebrate no. To grasp the word no in your fist and refuse to give it up. To support the boy who says no to violence, the girl who will not be violated, the woman who says no, no, no, I will not. To love the no, to cherish the no, which is so often our first word. No- the means to transformation.”

Louise Erdrich, The Blue Jay’s Dance

I have the right to say (or yell) no

Why is ‘no’ precious, even transformative? ‘No’ is an assertive, clear, unequivocal, and unapologetic boundary.  

Warrior Sisters’ verbal self-defense curriculum includes an exercise we call the “Bill of Rights,” in which we go around a circle and each name a right we identify within that moment. One of the rights we always strive to include is the right to say no. I’ve been identifying with this right lately, as expectations about how and where I invest my time and energy have shifted and intensified during the coronavirus pandemic. The right to say no is a necessary means to personal transformation, especially now.

As Louise Erdrich writes, we still have work to do to value and respect women’s ‘no’ over (or equal to) our compliant ‘yes.’ Employers, partners, children (including loving, well-intentioned ones) often still implicitly expect women to put ourselves last and to say yes to everything. But we know that this is a path to disempowerment. Soriah Chemaly says in The Credibility Gap that to move the expectations beyond compliance to taking women seriously, the right to say no is necessary. Chemaly suggests practicing three phrases that can help us say no in different ways: “Don’t interrupt me” (No, I will not be spoken over). “I just said that” (No, I will not be ignored or my voice diminished). “No explanation needed” (No, I don’t need to explain, justify, or moderate my truth to make you feel comfortable). Saying no with the help of these phrases asserts that we know what we know and we know what we need, we will not comply with expectations that deny we are knowers or diminish our needs, and we will be taken seriously. ‘No’ is a path to empowerment.

To embody the right to say no in practice, at training we transition from the Bill of Rights exercise to yelling no from our diaphragm. In Warrior Sisters training, we often practice yelling no ten times in a row to fully feel the right in our bodies. If you have the capacity, I encourage you to practice this once a week: stand in a confident posture with feet planted, shoulders squared, and eyes forward, place your fingers gently on your belly just above your navel, inhale deeply, and pump your diaphragm as you exhale sharply and yell, “NO!” Saying no is a muscle that we must practice using to become stronger.

Boundary-setting during a pandemic

Saying no and communicating our boundaries is critically important now because the pandemic is exposing and deepening the existing inequities in society. Essential workers, including domestic workers, may have limited options for protecting themselves and their families because of the nature of caregiving work and financial necessity. Working caregivers who have the privilege to work from home may be stuck in a ‘double-bind’ between work and family in new, material ways. Without the option of leaving home for an office setting, working caregivers may be stuck in stereotypically gendered divisions of labor at home that place the expectation of primary caregiving on women (See When Mom's Zoom Meeting Is the One That Has to Wait; The Coronavirus Is a Disaster for Feminism). 

Another exercise in our self-defense toolbox is the Three-Part Boundary, which is a ‘nice little package of no,’ that can be used in situations in which you need to set a boundary with a person you are in relationship with- friends, colleagues, family, partners. The three-part boundary goes like this: “When you ______, I feel ______, so I need you to ______.” It serves to name the behavior, identify how it makes you feel, and direct what needs to change. This is a powerful tool because it avoids blaming or shaming the person who is violating your boundary, and it states a truth that cannot be argued. (How can I argue that my actions don’t make you feel taken for granted?) 

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At a Warrior Sisters community conversation over Zoom on May 13, our trainers worked on our tools for boundary setting during a pandemic and shared community resources for mutual aid. Our community members noted that the goal of using a tool like saying no through a three part boundary is de-escalation. In practice, when employing a three-part boundary, it’s important to consider context and be mindful of body language and tone. We worked through some scenarios for setting boundaries during a pandemic, available using the button below. In addition to those shared on our blog, resources for mutual aid are listed below:

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